Bad Day...  / ..
I was told you love me
I guess I heard Wrong
I lay here in the Darkness
All Alone
Just Me
Thinking
Dreaming
Wishing
You still were here
To comfort me at times like this
Times of Darkness
I need you here to hold me when I cry
To tell me it’s ok
To give me hope for the future
But it’s too late
You’re Gone
You could’ve been there but you weren’t
You were off doing your own thing
I lay here waiting for you to come back
But you never do
Days go by Slowly Now
Tear Drenched Eyes
Shattered Heart
You may have loved me
But do you care what happens to me
If you did you wouldn’t have left me behind this way
I still lay here waiting
Dreaming
Waiting for one thing only
The day we meet again


No matter what you are always in my heart...I hate that it never gets easier, People tell me it will get easier...When?
Love ya Lots…Forever and a Day!!!

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Realization / Stubborn Girl
I was cleaning out some files the other day and I came across this letter I had started to write to you. It was dated January 9, 2008. As I began reading it, it struck me that maybe you were actually listening to me all these times I have asked for your help. Also, I realized saying goodbye to you is almost impossible, but I have learned a better way to channel the negative energy I have been putting into this for so long. I have found that strength I asked you for, many many times in fact, and finally you have helped out a little. But mostly I realized I have finally found that one person who is the missing piece of this puzzle. The person who fills in the blanks, and makes everything make sense again. You know exactly who I am speaking of, and I know you had everything to do with it. So thank you for showing you do still care just a little at least and granting me that friend I needed so much. I love you, always have, always will.
THE LETTER:
It’s time!!!
I can’t believe I am at this point, but I am. It is time for me to say goodbye to you. I know in my heart that I will never ever really truly ever say goodbye to you, but I can’t continue going on like this, and I know you wouldn’t want me to either. My words are lacking right now. I know that even the thought of saying goodbye to you has caused that, but I also know I have to do this….FOR ME!!!! I can’t deal with life everyday while you still hold onto me. I know you are not at fault for that, but somehow you are. It’s funny really when you think about it. I know I am saying it’s time to say goodbye, but I also know that I will not be able to change the fact that I wake up with you on my mind, and I think of you at least 5 times throughout the day, and of course one more time before closing my eyes at night. I do still dream of you from time to time too. Not nearly as much as I did in the beginning, but I still do. So how do I stop those thoughts from happening??? I don’t know the answer to that, and I probably never will. I guess I have just come to the conclusion that thinking about you isn’t the bad part of all this. The bad part is holding onto the hurt and pain; the anger….It is eating me alive. I know that. It has been for some time now. I want to believe that those are the only problems I have in life, but I know that just isn’t true. However, if I say goodbye to you, it may be one less thing to deal with in life. And truthfully I need one less thing to deal with right now. I have been a mess for so long now, I forget how not to be. I am hoping with everything that I have that saying goodbye to you is the turning point I need to make some changes in my life. I need all the strength I can get in order to do this, so please feel free to help out with that at any point when you see me down. It must be your turn to give back now. I have devoted my entire life to you for the past two and a half years, and now I think maybe you could give just a little. I need this. I need so much right now….strength, kindness, love, hope, wisdom, and most definitely a good friend to help pull me through. And please this time, I need someone without ulterior motives. I need someone who isn’t going to make it more difficult to go on this journey.
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Broken...Tonight, I am Broken...  / The Girl Next Door!!!
The broken clock is a comfort, it helps me sleep tonight
Maybe it can stop tomorrow from stealing all my time
I am here still waiting though i still have my doubts
I am damaged at best, like you've already figured out
I'm falling apart, I'm barely breathing
With a broken heart that's still beating
In the pain is there is healing
In your name I find meaning
So I'm holdin.....
I'm barely holdin' on to you
The broken locks were a warning you got inside my head
I tried my best to be guarded, I'm an open book instead
I still see your reflection inside of my eyes
That are looking for a purpose, they're still looking for life
I'm hangin' on another day
Just to see what you will throw my way
And I'm hangin' on to the words you say
You said that I will be ok .......I may have lost my way now, but I haven't forgotten my way home...

Miss Ya, Love Ya Lots....Forever and A Day!!!
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Are you here?!?!?  / Someone Who Still Needs You
I'm amazed today. Absolutely and totally in awe. I wasn't expecting you to be here last night. I wasn't asking for you, or your help...I wasn't having a "bad" day, of course I was missing you because I always do, but I wasn't sad about it, nor was I talking to you and begging for you to come to me, and reassure me everything is alright. And yet, you were here. I have needed you so many times in the past, so much so that I wasn't sure I would make it through the day, and I never really knew you were there. But last night when things were okay, there you were!!! It was such an amazing feeling to have you here with me.

I went outside and took in the moon, not quite full, but almost. It was so cold out though, so I came in. I wanted to connect with you so badly though that I decided even though I couldn't see the moon from the living room couch, I could see the light of the moon everywhere, and that for the time being was okay with me. It would be enough to let me sit quietly and remember you once again. It would be just enough. So I moved the pillow from the corner and I sat in the corner of the couch. I stared out at the emptiness of the outside, and the beauty of the light of the moon on the snow and the tree in the front yard. I didn't feel tears in my eyes, or sadness in my heart. Instead I felt this wave of happiness gripping me tightly. It felt like you were holding me in your arms again, and a smile slowly creeped across my face. I know even typing the words I am thinking so what, you had a happy moment, but you know you were here, and so do I. My entire body felt tingly and it felt like there wasn't a care in the world because you were here to keep me safe.

It didn't last nearly long enough, but I wanted to say thank you. I needed that and I didn't even know it. That was by far the best present anyone has ever given me.

Love you always.
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Some Songs Speak Volumes.....  / .. .. (Freind)
Seems like it was yesterday when I saw your face
You told me how proud you were but I walked away
If only I knew what I know today
I would hold you in my arms
I would take the pain away
Thank you for all you've done
Forgive all your mistakes
There's nothing I wouldn't do
To hear your voice again
Sometimes I want to call you
But I know you won't be there
I'm sorry for blaming you
For everything I just couldn't do
And I've hurt myself, by hurting you.
Somedays I feel broke inside but I won't admit
Sometimes I just want to hide, cause it's you I miss
And it's so hard to say goodbye
When it comes to this
Would you tell me I was wrong?
Would you help me understand?
Are you looking down upon me?
Are you proud of who I am?
There's nothing I wouldn't do
To have just one more chance
To look into your eyes
And see you looking back
I'm sorry for blaming you
For everything I just couldn't do
And I've hurt myself
If I had just one more day
I would tell you how much
That I've missed you since
You've been away.
It's dangerous
so out of line...
to try and turn back time...
I'm sorry for blaming you
For everything I just couldn't do
And I've hurt myself..
By hurting you... 

Miss Ya, Love always and Forever!!!
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Where do I Belong?  / Only You Need To Know
I feel so out of place here, among all of these feelings that stem from something I was unaware of for so long.
I am glad to see you were loved much more than you had told me, it makes the weight of guilt feel lighter somehow knowing that what I took from you was not all you had. When you called me that day, I only wish I had something more to say, something that could have changed your mind even though you sounded so sure and so at peace with your decision. I think for the sake of everyone who doesn't understand, that it's important for people to remember what grave consequences you were facing for the accident. The night it happened you told me that you wanted to end your life and your Dad and I talked you out of it then, but you said many times that you would rather die than go to jail. It's so unfortunate that I had no ay of convincing you that you could get through that and that you would be just fine. It was only a week after we parted that you left forever and I know that many people blamed me for your choice, but anyone who really knew, knew that although I wasn't in love with you the way that I needed to be, I still loved you very much, I couldn't help the bond that I had with someone else, even though I tried, but for all it's worth I am sorry for how everything went. I wish we could have been friends forever but I am glad to have known you the way I did.
I think of you everyday and I miss you very much. 
I wish you had the chance to have a love like I do now., you really deserved it. Close

Forgetting to Breathe  / Traci
Sometimes I miss you so much, I forget to breathe. And other times it hurts so much to miss you , I don't want to breathe. The breaths I take today are few, and the ones I do take hurt so much. Sometimes I want to miss you, sometimes I try not to miss you, sometimes I even force myself not to miss you, and sometimes I fake that I don't miss you... Today I can't even fake it. I MISS YOU SO MUCH TODAY!!! I always miss you, but today is exceptional for some reason. Having a day I guess. Hold me tonight okay, I need you with me. Close

Absence / Traci
Hey Angel,

I thought I would type you up a little note. I want you to know there isn't a day that goes by that I don't think of you. You are the first thing I think of each morning and the last thing on my mind each night, and yes I do still dream of you.  I miss you so very very much. Nothing has been the same since you left us. Life goes on I know, and for some it went on a lot quicker than it did for others, but that doesn't mean you are ever far from our thoughts. I know you are here with us still, guiding us in all kinds of directions...some good, and some not so much.  .... Either way we know you are helping us along each day. I want to say thank you for being my strength, and giving me the strength to open my eyes every morning....even if some days the sun is so blinding I just want to crawl back under the covers and never wake up. I know every time that happened I did drag my butt out of bed because you pushed me out....I appreciate that! I know sometimes when things get too much, and the memories take over you are closer than ever. I know you are here holdig my hand and gently reminding me it is okay to cry and have a bad day. And I know when something good happens out of the blue, you helped to make that happen too. You know I need you in my life still, and you are here for me. Same old Brad you always were, putting everyone else before you.
So please know that although I am not here lighting a candle everyday like before, or posting something to say how much you are adored, it isn't because anything about how I feel about you has changed. It simply is that people don't think I'm crazy if I just whisper I love you on the wind. And truthfully, I prefer that because sometimes you even whisper back.

Love you always my Angel Close

miss u man love u to bro  / Jason Carrol (best broo )

hey bro i love u man i miss u alot wish u where here with us u are in my heart and always will be happy bday i wish i can make it back to spend the day with u but i did not get back there next time i will love u miss u alot jason carrol

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Thoughts / Melissa Watson
Lots of love and admiration for you is pouring out today. Keep each and every person who loves and misses you safe. You are all in my thoughts and prayers as you face this second anniversary. Remember one thing.....Brad would say NO REGRETS! 
You are greatly missed and deeply loved Brad. Close

miss u bro  / Jason Carrol (best freand )
brad was my bro for years i whent to school with if all of my life is was my best freand and my bro Close

The scent  / Traci
The other day I was in Walmart and I walked past this guy who smelled liked you. I stopped and just took in the scent. It sounds ridiculous I know, but I couldn't help myself. I tried to walk away but felt myself compelled to stand there and take in this scent until it was no longer there. I wanted you to come walking around the corner and be standing there in front of me. I still find myself checking behind the wheel of burgundy Caveliers for you to be driving, and when I catch myself doing it, I usually laugh about it because I know you are gone. I know that, I honestly do. But somehow inside I want there to be some small hope that maybe I am wrong, like maybe this has all just been a bad dream, a nightmare. But it isn't. Every single tear cried or fist thrown in rage was real. The hurt and pain, the anger, the sadness...all real. The longing to have you here for just one more minute, second even...all real. 
Two years ago today....If I had known it would be the last time I would ever see your smiling face, or hear your voice.....I would have done things so differently. So very differently. I never would have left you. You would have had to take me with you if I had known this is how things were going to go. I miss you so much. But you know that. I tell you all the time. I just wish.....ahh wishing hasn't gotten me anywhere in two years so far, so why bother wishing anymore. I love you Brad, always have and always will. Close

A Test  / Traci
Did you really need to test me like that? Was it really necessary? You have tested me far too much already. I don't need that. I am trying to have all the strength I can to get by every day. And I think I am doing a pretty good job most days, and then it's like you think I may have forgotten you or something, so you throw this kind of shit at me. Brad I won't ever forget, never. I couldn't even if I wanted to. I loved you way too much to ever forget you. But please please please do not ever let that many bad things be thrown at me at once....I can't handle that, you know it. And really was it necessary to use this method? You couldn't have had Lisa call me crying, in need of a big hug or something...You choose this!!! Come on, I told you I wouldn't ever forget you. You know I won't. You must hear me talking to you, and crying out to you. You must get that I am never going to forget you or anything about you. So don't send me messages like that again okay?!?!? That could be what pushes me youy know, so stop it. Close

Erasing the past  / Traci
If I could, I would you know. I would take back everything from start to finish. I would love you less, and hate you more. I would spend a lot less time in your presence, and you in mine. I would allow you the opportunity to walk by, and not smile at me, or me smile at you. I would take it all back. And you know why....Because if I don't have those things, I have nothing. And nothing right now looks so much better than the hurt and pain, and anger I feel anymore. i would trade all these things in for nothing. Feeling anythign for you caused this, and it could have all been prevented. Wow I am talking kinda crazy right now, but I feel this, and right now any feeling at all is better than nothing. Which is exactly how I feel almost every single day. Nothingness....
I love you Brad no matter how much I try not to, how much I distract myself with other things, it always comes back to you.

ROOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRR!!!!!! I almost feel better. Close

Loving Spirit  / Patricia Dufour (friend of Traci )
The world just doesn't have enough loving spirits and I hope yours finds peace until you all can be together again.  Close

Smile / T. M.

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Strength / Traci
Hi Angel,

What brings us to this point in our lives? I wish someone would explain it to me. I want to be able to understand the feelings, and the urges that come with this. I want to be able to reach out and tell someone, and not hold back anymore. I want to feel whole again, liek I am worth something so much more than I have lead everyone to believe. I am doing all of those horrible things I spent the past 6 months trying to stop again. Your extra watch would be great. I could really use someone to love me enough right now to make me see that the path is all wrong. How the path got this twisted I will never know, but I bet you could give me some perspective on that couldn't you? The path is jagged, and hilly...help me down this path safely please Angel? I need your strenth to get down it alone, because alone is all I know right now. I feel secluded from the world, and like it is my fault for being this way...hopelessness....hmmm
Please Brad, I need you more now than ever. I know I am alive, even if I have to to feel that way. Make me understand that I am alive still, and that I have a life to live please. I need you. Close

Always my Valentine  / Traci

You will always have my heart Bradley....


Happy Valentine's Day, my Angel!

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I'm very sorry  / Cynthia Durgin (none)
Hi Traci,

I happened to pick Bradley's memorial to look at from the FFOS site, and I just wanted to extend my sympathy to you for your loss.

It is obvious, even to me, a stranger, that you loved Bradley very much and you're having a hard time right now.  I am so sorry.  I don't know the story or any details, but remember that Bradley is in God's care, and he's safe and peaceful.  From the description of the kind of person he was, I'm sure he would want you to live your life to the fullest, even though he's not physically here.  He is with you in spirit and someday you will be together again.  I really believe that, and I hope you do too.  I know it's not easy.

It is so difficult to move on without the ones we love.  Again, my condolences on your loss.

Sincerely,
Mrs. Cynthia Durgin
Milltown, NJ Close

I Tried  / Traci
Well I tried my hardest to not post here, or light a candle for you but I can't do it. I don't want people to think I am crazy, and obsessed but I don't feel whole if I don't come and light a candle for you every couple days.  I miss you so much. I feel so empty knowing that I can't ever see your smile again, or hear your voice, or feel your arms wrapped around me hugging me so very tight. I need that so badly right now. A giant bear hug from you, and the reassuring "everything will be alright" words you whispered to me. I love you Brad. I wish that could have been enough.
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