The scent / Traci
The other day I was in Walmart and I walked past this guy who smelled liked you. I stopped and just took in the scent. It sounds ridiculous I know, but I couldn't help myself. I tried to walk away but felt myself compelled to stand there and take in this scent until it was no longer there. I wanted you to come walking around the corner and be standing there in front of me. I still find myself checking behind the wheel of burgundy Caveliers for you to be driving, and when I catch myself doing it, I usually laugh about it because I know you are gone. I know that, I honestly do. But somehow inside I want there to be some small hope that maybe I am wrong, like maybe this has all just been a bad dream, a nightmare. But it isn't. Every single tear cried or fist thrown in rage was real. The hurt and pain, the anger, the sadness...all real. The longing to have you here for just one more minute, second even...all real. Two years ago today....If I had known it would be the last time I would ever see your smiling face, or hear your voice.....I would have done things so differently. So very differently. I never would have left you. You would have had to take me with you if I had known this is how things were going to go. I miss you so much. But you know that. I tell you all the time. I just wish.....ahh wishing hasn't gotten me anywhere in two years so far, so why bother wishing anymore. I love you Brad, always have and always will. Close
A Test / Traci
Did you really need to test me like that? Was it really necessary? You have tested me far too much already. I don't need that. I am trying to have all the strength I can to get by every day. And I think I am doing a pretty good job most days, and then it's like you think I may have forgotten you or something, so you throw this kind of shit at me. Brad I won't ever forget, never. I couldn't even if I wanted to. I loved you way too much to ever forget you. But please please please do not ever let that many bad things be thrown at me at once....I can't handle that, you know it. And really was it necessary to use this method? You couldn't have had Lisa call me crying, in need of a big hug or something...You choose this!!! Come on, I told you I wouldn't ever forget you. You know I won't. You must hear me talking to you, and crying out to you. You must get that I am never going to forget you or anything about you. So don't send me messages like that again okay?!?!? That could be what pushes me youy know, so stop it. Close
Erasing the past / Traci
If I could, I would you know. I would take back everything from start to finish. I would love you less, and hate you more. I would spend a lot less time in your presence, and you in mine. I would allow you the opportunity to walk by, and not smile at me, or me smile at you. I would take it all back. And you know why....Because if I don't have those things, I have nothing. And nothing right now looks so much better than the hurt and pain, and anger I feel anymore. i would trade all these things in for nothing. Feeling anythign for you caused this, and it could have all been prevented. Wow I am talking kinda crazy right now, but I feel this, and right now any feeling at all is better than nothing. Which is exactly how I feel almost every single day. Nothingness.... I love you Brad no matter how much I try not to, how much I distract myself with other things, it always comes back to you.
ROOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRR!!!!!! I almost feel better. Close
Loving Spirit / Patricia Dufour (friend of Traci )Read >>
Loving Spirit / Patricia Dufour (friend of Traci )
The world just doesn't have enough loving spirits and I hope yours finds peace until you all can be together again. Close
What brings us to this point in our lives? I wish someone would explain it to me. I want to be able to understand the feelings, and the urges that come with this. I want to be able to reach out and tell someone, and not hold back anymore. I want to feel whole again, liek I am worth something so much more than I have lead everyone to believe. I am doing all of those horrible things I spent the past 6 months trying to stop again. Your extra watch would be great. I could really use someone to love me enough right now to make me see that the path is all wrong. How the path got this twisted I will never know, but I bet you could give me some perspective on that couldn't you? The path is jagged, and hilly...help me down this path safely please Angel? I need your strenth to get down it alone, because alone is all I know right now. I feel secluded from the world, and like it is my fault for being this way...hopelessness....hmmm Please Brad, I need you more now than ever. I know I am alive, even if I have to to feel that way. Make me understand that I am alive still, and that I have a life to live please. I need you. Close
I happened to pick Bradley's memorial to look at from the FFOS site, and I just wanted to extend my sympathy to you for your loss.
It is obvious, even to me, a stranger, that you loved Bradley very much and you're having a hard time right now. I am so sorry. I don't know the story or any details, but remember that Bradley is in God's care, and he's safe and peaceful. From the description of the kind of person he was, I'm sure he would want you to live your life to the fullest, even though he's not physically here. He is with you in spirit and someday you will be together again. I really believe that, and I hope you do too. I know it's not easy.
It is so difficult to move on without the ones we love. Again, my condolences on your loss.
I Tried / Traci
Well I tried my hardest to not post here, or light a candle for you but I can't do it. I don't want people to think I am crazy, and obsessed but I don't feel whole if I don't come and light a candle for you every couple days. I miss you so much. I feel so empty knowing that I can't ever see your smile again, or hear your voice, or feel your arms wrapped around me hugging me so very tight. I need that so badly right now. A giant bear hug from you, and the reassuring "everything will be alright" words you whispered to me. I love you Brad. I wish that could have been enough. Close
My heart goes out to you / Melissa Watson
As time carries on the pain will lessen, but the memories will never fade. Hold on to that. Your angel is watching over you. You are all in my thoughts. Close
Recently I spoke with a friend who is in love, for probably the second time in his entire life, but this girl is "the one". He has officially asked her to marry him. Anyway he and I were talking about things, and things for him have moved quite quickly with this girl, and I mentioned I was a little shocked by how quickly. He told me he knew people were going to think that but his explanation has sat with me since he said the words. He said to me "I have waited forever for her. You know how you can be with someone, and love them, and be comfortable with them." I said I could, and he proceeded to say "she isn't like that. She leaves me feeling like I want more. She leaves me feeling like I can't be without her." I smiled at him, and said I might know that feeling. I remember quite well how you made me feel that way. I remember feeling ALIVE with you. And I miss feeling that way.
my gift to you / Traci
Hey Angel, Really wish you were here to celebrate Christmas with all of us, but.... so I thought I would send you a gift ... hope you like....
I hate titles!!! / Traci
Is it horrible that I am sitting here tonight thinking about the way things played out for us? Is it horrible that I am sitting here thinking about how the only thing I want for Christmas this year is to see your smiling face just one more time, to hear your voice tell me to be happy one more time, and to feel your arms wrapped tight around me telling me everything will be alright? Does that make me a horrible person for wanting those things? Am I horrible for sitting here thinking about you at all? I guess in some strange way I don't really care how horrible it makes me. I don't care it the world thinks I need to get a grip and move past this. I am missing you so very much, and still trying so hard to understand everything from us to the suicide. Nothing about it makes sense and I think I am starting to get that it never will, but I can't just let go that easily. I love you Brad, I always have, and I always will. But you know that already don't you. Pull me through the next little bit will you, I need you with me. And please feel free to snuggle in next to me at night and hold me in my dreams, I could use the extra comfort right now. Love you Angel!!! Close
Yesterday/ Traci
Yesterday was 2 years, hmm, never thought it would ever come to this. Never thought you wouldn't be here. Never thought knowing would change the world. But it did, it all did. Yesterday, you loved me for the first time ever, out loud. Yesterday, you said you felt things for me that I thought you did, but never knew for sure. Yesterday, you turned both our worlds upside down and inside out for a very brief time. Yesterday was the last time I remember feeling whole. Yesterday, it tore my soul apart with longing for you. Yesterday, the tears, the phone calls, the fight, the kisses, the smile, the warmth, the feeling of being loved, and the magic of the moment. Yesterday holds the meaning, the wishing and wanting, the fairytale, and the only moment of pure honesty we ever had. Yesterday I loved you too!!!! And today I still do!!!
I wanted to sit down and talk with you yesterday but time did not allow for that to happen. I'm sorry about that. Do you remember what yesterday was? The start of an ugly situation. One I wish we never had to deal with. It tore us apart, not that we were ever together. But you know what I mean in all of this. It was the start of learning feelings, that probably never really existed, and the start of those feelings meaning nothing in the end. It was the start of the most horrible time in our lives, at least mine, but yet somehow it was the start of something I will hold onto forever. I will never forget the look on your face when I stepped out of the car and wrapped my arms around you so tight, you just hugged me back with that look on your face of "okay where is this coming from?" I remember laughing and telling you it was okay I wasn't going to bite...and you laughed at me and said you knew that. It was such a great night. The air was crisp, and cool but not unbearable. The stars were out, and the laughter was too. We sat on the trunk of my car, and told stories for 5 hours. We talked about the things that had been going on in our lives for the past month, and we reminisced about the memories we had made months prior to this. It was a fun night. A night that I realized just how much I cared for you, and had missed not having you around. A night that felt real and alive. A night that allowed us to be ourselves with each other, without the weight of the world resting on our shoulders. A night to forget there were other people in the world besides us. And yet a night so tradegic. The beginning to an end of so many things. I love you Brad, I always have and I always will. You changed me in so many ways, ways you will never know or understand even if I could tell you. Some good, some not so much. But none of that ever changed how I felt about you. Even though I tried my hardest to hate you, I just couldn't do it. And I did try, believe me. But as I always said to you, you can't change feelings, they are real. They may change on their own but YOU can't change them no matter how hard you try. Love you Angel, Traci Close
MERRY XMAS BRADLEY / CHRISTINE GOLLINGER (BRADLEY EVANS MOM ) I TO HAVE LOST MY SON BRADLEY..........JUST WANTED TO SHARE THIS ORNAMENT WITH YOUR ANGEL.Close
NEVER TO BE FORGOTTEN Sometimes I forget that you're not here Can't believe it's been a year Since you flew away And I never got to say goodbye Good times Hangin' out til the break of dawn Listening to Bob And singin along Every little thing it's gonna be It's gonna be all right... I know that you're gonna fly Somewhere brighter on the other side And one day I'm gonna be there too Where the sun is shining and the water's blue I know that you're gonna fly Somewhere brighter on the other side I know you're somewhere where you're finally free You'll always be a part of me Like the moon is to the sea They say you don't know A good thing till it's gone But I got to say they're wrong I knew you were a good friend A good friend all along I wish the world wouldn't be so cold As to take such a beautiful soul But despite it all I know we gotta carry on I know that you're gonna fly Somewhere brighter on the other side And one day I'm gonna be there too Where the sun is shinin and the water's blue I know that you're gonna fly Somewhere brighter on the other side I know you're somewhere where you're finally free And you'll always be a part of me Like the moon is to the sea I know that you're gonna fly Somewhere brighter on the other side.. Always be a part of me If I could rewind time Then I'd like to let you know Just one thing before your time go That every moment you were living was a blessing to me And I saw inside of you things that others couldn't see Now people put you down for the way that you lived But those people never knew you the way that I did Don't be ashamed of who you were of how you died I know you just wanted to find the brighter side... I know that you're gonna fly Somewhere brighter on the other side And one day I'm gonna be there too Where the sun is shining and the water's blue Somewhere brighter on the other side I know you're somewhere where you're finally free And you'll always be a part of me...
From Someone Who Misses You Tremendously / Kris Evans (Very Good Friend )Read >>
From Someone Who Misses You Tremendously / Kris Evans (Very Good Friend )
BRAD BLAKELY 1978-2005
Step one you say we need to talk He walks you say sit down it's just a talk He smiles politely back at you You stare politely right on through Some sort of window to your right As he goes left and you stay right Between the lines of fear and blame And you begin to wonder why you came Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend Somewhere along in the bitterness And I would have stayed up with you all night Had I known how to save a life Let him know that you know best Cause after all you do know best Try to slip past his defense Without granting innocence Lay down a list of what is wrong The things you've told him all along And pray to God he hears you And pray to God he hears you Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend Somewhere along in the bitterness And I would have stayed up with you all night Had I known how to save a life As he begins to raise his voice You lower yours and grant him one last choice Drive until you lose the road Or break with the ones you've followed He will do one of two things He will admit to everything Or he'll say he's just not the same And you'll begin to wonder why you came Where did I go wrong, I lost a friend Somewhere along in the bitterness And I would have stayed up with you all night Had I known how to save a life
Memories/ Traci ((Just a Stupid Girl) )
The memories are starting to fade now Brad. I find it hard to close my eyes and see your face anymore, I need the help of a picture to see that smile I miss so much. Everyone says that it is normal to lose some memories, it is normal to forget the face, and the voice....but I don't want to. I don't want to let you go. Not now and not ever. Moving on is one thing, but letting you go is far too much to ask. If your face no longer stands out in my mind, does that mean you are forgotten? NEVER!!! I could never forget you. Everytime I see the start of a new moon in the sky I know, it is only a matter of days before I will once again relive the memory of our full moon night. I know it will bring a smile to my face, and a tear to my eye. That full moon holds such wonderful and tragic memories. How could something so beautiful turn out so wrong? On so many different levels. I miss you so much it hurts to breathe sometimes. I can't help but think about the screwed up mess we left things in for so long. And then you reappear in my life, and act like nothing has changed, only to turn everything upside down three days later. I want to say I am not angry anymore, but I am still so angry. I want to say I am not hurt anymore, but I am still so hurt. I want to say I am not confused, and not upset at the way things turned out, but I am. I am all of those things so much still. I remember various conversations we had, and some stick out better than others. I don't want to have these memories with no option for more. But I have no choice in all of this. You made that decision for me, for all of us. "Be Happy", "Everything will be alright. It will all work out I promise. Everything will be okay", "It isn't right", "What are you doing here?", "I have to do what is best for all of us. You, your son, and me. And I am not sure what the right thing is for you", "Don't hit that skunk", "Please come inside", "Eat something. You have to eat. We will work this out I promise.".....endless memories....memories that will stay locked in my heart until I no longer live. The kind of memories that make a girl smile to know she loved and lost, but at least she loved with all her heart.Close
Tributes and Condolences
is shining and the water's blue 
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