It has to be the moon. It has to be the essence of the moon. The pure craziness of the full moon reaching out and tugging a little at my heart strings. I am listening to the greatest song right now and it is quite literally taking my breath away. I feel like I am smothering a little with out you here.It's like the air in my lungs no longer exists and my life is being sucked out of me as I sit here typing this to you. It has been quite some time since I have felt like this. I miss you always but I have finally picked up the shards and trudged forward with my life so missing you like this hasn't happened for a long time. Wish you could be here to hear this song with me...It would be one you like.
"Miss me yet?"
"Yes! I missed you before you were gone."
And now I miss you because you are gone. Need You Now...more than ever. Hold me tight tonight!
A little out of sorts some would say...a blur of months that just pass by in a haze with many memories and much pain...Never knowing quite which one hurts the most...July 23, August 27, September 29...All days that pass with a small glimmer of ache in my heart....I try my best to smile through each day, hour, minute and second but these months seem to live on as a painful reminder that you are gone.
Happy Birthday Angel!!! Missing you ever so much...as always
An old blue Ford; A beaten path Not many words But oh so many laughs. The music loud The windows rolled down Tank full of gas An adventure in the works Holding hands tight Taking long walks Playing on the slide Dreaming under the stars Missing your voice Missing your touch Missing your smile Missing your love.
Just to summarize of course. Do you see all the things you are missing out on? And us too!!! I can't believe four years have gone by already. Seems like only yesterday. And today it feels it too. We are missing you always and loving you forever.
I'll Never Forget on July 22nd 2005 very late at night brad came to my house to show my dad his new ringtone and he called me over to show me andit was "Take me to the candy shop" ill never forget that ringtone and that was the very last time i saw him because the next day he passed away and since i was so young ididnt find out until a little afte and ven then i didnt understand what it meant but i do now and it breaks my heart.
You will always be in my heart,Brad Love:Chontle *chili*
Who knew I would be sitting here, having a perfectly good day, and you would suddenly take over my thoughts. Not in a bad way. Just there. Like you always have been, never far from my mind, but not consuming my life anymore either. I am having a glass of rye, and thinking about you. About Sarah's place, the night you scooped me up and told me I had had enough to drink, it was time for bed. Me laughing because we both knew I was the one calling the shots that night not you. You carried me across the room, dropped me in the armchair, and told me to listen to you "woman" and that you had laid down the law. We all laughed, and before I knew it you and I were "wrestling" and laughing and in need of another drink. We waited patiently for Sarah and Andrew to disappear that night. And once they did...well you know the rest!!! Why that night came to mind I don't know...But it is a memory I love and cherish.
I miss you a lot!!! Somedays worse than others, but everyday no matter what.
My Constant!!! / Danielle
I force myself to get up and go to work, just because it feels 'normal'.... and I get a sense of security there...it's the one place where I feel like I know what I'm doing, the rest of the time I just feel lost....even the small goals I've made, just to keep resisting the urge to call out. I am keeping up with my school work, and just try not to completely buckle....I talk to my friends when I need to...I don't know...I guess it's the long version of putting one foot in front of the other and keep going because I have no choice but to do that.....and yes, I cry when I need to cry....
Saying all of this makes people wonder…I get it all, from you two were with other people, do you know what you did to him, or what he did to you, do you know what he said about you….Why did you continue and why do you continue to love this guy? Can’t you Just get over it? Just get over it! Here’s my answer to them and you….You were my only constant, the only thing in my life that no matter what, no matter the miles, no matter the unspoken or meanly spoken words you were there. Now you are gone. The only thing that was constant in my world went away.
There are no more sick blankets, rubbing my forehead or heating pads on my toes when I am sick. There are no more long drives to no where just to talk. There are no more off-roading trips that lead to unknown places and intimacy There are no more dinners for me when I get home, no corn, steak and potatoes, no spaghetti There are no more coffee breaks and/or orange juice breaks There are no more gerbera daisies just because… There are no more dance sessions in the living room There are no more long walks to parks, where we could see who could swing higher There are no more orange and red popsicles in the middle of the night There are no more tickle monsters living under or in my bed There are no more coloured paper notes and corny CD’s There are no more opportunities to figure out, who peed the Bed!!! There are no more kisses on the forehead before going to work. Or sleep There are no more singing Jazzy to sleep together or showing her pics of her mom moments There are no more picking me up from school on snow days, days There are no more poems to be read There are no more random trips to Kingston to visit favorite places and lay in hotel beds all day There are no more daily talks, no more midnight conversations, even with new people in our lives There is no more you and me, no more this is our home, honey I can’t reach the top shelf There is no more you and me…. There is no more consistency…..
I miss all of this, but most of all I miss you, I miss that no matter what we had going on in our lives if we needed one another we could just pick up the phone and call. I hate that you called to say goodbye and I said I was disappointed in you. I was never disappointed in you, just upset that we had such an incredible bond but just could never figure our how to get on the same page of the novel. So to those who wonder why, there are a few of a million reasons why!!! I miss my constant person, I miss “my Person”.
At least you knew how much I cared even with the way things turned out.
The words you said minutes before you left us ring true in my mind everyday.
You can't choose who you are in love with.
At times if I could have I would have, but it still in the long run it would not have been right.
You understood when no-one else did.
I am forever greatful that I got to speak to you that day, even though I think over and over of what I could have said or should have said. Maybe I could have done something to change your mind and lift your spirit, but I will never know.
I still love you very much, but that never chaged the fact that I was and am 'in love' with someone else. If I could explain that to everyone I would but nobody wants to listen because everybody wants somebody to blame.
It's okay I guess. I will carry that for you because you would have carried anything for me.
I hope you are at peace now, for once.
You deserve all of the happiness that this life could not provide.
I miss you everyday, but especially in July 15th when we parted ways and especially the day you left for good. September 29th and also in the spring when so many memories flood my heart. I prefer those days when the memories are of so much fun together.
The time that we spent together was some of the best,
Bradley/ Jess Buckingham (none)
I clicked here because I do that when I read something another suicide survivor posts about their loved one. I looked through your whole site, I saw your pictures, and I saw your eyes in some pictures looking like my Jim did. Just sadness. I hope you're at peace now- both of you. If nothing else, you can see all the love for you now that you're watching over everything. I can see you're sorely missed- and my heart goes out to your family and friends. Close
Bad Day... / ..
I was told you love me I guess I heard Wrong I lay here in the Darkness All Alone Just Me Thinking Dreaming Wishing You still were here To comfort me at times like this Times of Darkness I need you here to hold me when I cry To tell me it’s ok To give me hope for the future But it’s too late You’re Gone You could’ve been there but you weren’t You were off doing your own thing I lay here waiting for you to come back But you never do Days go by Slowly Now Tear Drenched Eyes Shattered Heart You may have loved me But do you care what happens to me If you did you wouldn’t have left me behind this way I still lay here waiting Dreaming Waiting for one thing only The day we meet again
No matter what you are always in my heart...I hate that it never gets easier, People tell me it will get easier...When? Love ya Lots…Forever and a Day!!!
Realization/ Stubborn Girl
I was cleaning out some files the other day and I came across this letter I had started to write to you. It was dated January 9, 2008. As I began reading it, it struck me that maybe you were actually listening to me all these times I have asked for your help. Also, I realized saying goodbye to you is almost impossible, but I have learned a better way to channel the negative energy I have been putting into this for so long. I have found that strength I asked you for, many many times in fact, and finally you have helped out a little. But mostly I realized I have finally found that one person who is the missing piece of this puzzle. The person who fills in the blanks, and makes everything make sense again. You know exactly who I am speaking of, and I know you had everything to do with it. So thank you for showing you do still care just a little at least and granting me that friend I needed so much. I love you, always have, always will. THE LETTER: It’s time!!! I can’t believe I am at this point, but I am. It is time for me to say goodbye to you. I know in my heart that I will never ever really truly ever say goodbye to you, but I can’t continue going on like this, and I know you wouldn’t want me to either. My words are lacking right now. I know that even the thought of saying goodbye to you has caused that, but I also know I have to do this….FOR ME!!!! I can’t deal with life everyday while you still hold onto me. I know you are not at fault for that, but somehow you are. It’s funny really when you think about it. I know I am saying it’s time to say goodbye, but I also know that I will not be able to change the fact that I wake up with you on my mind, and I think of you at least 5 times throughout the day, and of course one more time before closing my eyes at night. I do still dream of you from time to time too. Not nearly as much as I did in the beginning, but I still do. So how do I stop those thoughts from happening??? I don’t know the answer to that, and I probably never will. I guess I have just come to the conclusion that thinking about you isn’t the bad part of all this. The bad part is holding onto the hurt and pain; the anger….It is eating me alive. I know that. It has been for some time now. I want to believe that those are the only problems I have in life, but I know that just isn’t true. However, if I say goodbye to you, it may be one less thing to deal with in life. And truthfully I need one less thing to deal with right now. I have been a mess for so long now, I forget how not to be. I am hoping with everything that I have that saying goodbye to you is the turning point I need to make some changes in my life. I need all the strength I can get in order to do this, so please feel free to help out with that at any point when you see me down. It must be your turn to give back now. I have devoted my entire life to you for the past two and a half years, and now I think maybe you could give just a little. I need this. I need so much right now….strength, kindness, love, hope, wisdom, and most definitely a good friend to help pull me through. And please this time, I need someone without ulterior motives. I need someone who isn’t going to make it more difficult to go on this journey. Close
Broken...Tonight, I am Broken... / The Girl Next Door!!! Read >>
Broken...Tonight, I am Broken... / The Girl Next Door!!!
The broken clock is a comfort, it helps me sleep tonight Maybe it can stop tomorrow from stealing all my time I am here still waiting though i still have my doubts I am damaged at best, like you've already figured out I'm falling apart, I'm barely breathing With a broken heart that's still beating In the pain is there is healing In your name I find meaning So I'm holdin..... I'm barely holdin' on to you The broken locks were a warning you got inside my head I tried my best to be guarded, I'm an open book instead I still see your reflection inside of my eyes That are looking for a purpose, they're still looking for life I'm hangin' on another day Just to see what you will throw my way And I'm hangin' on to the words you say You said that I will be ok .......I may have lost my way now, but I haven't forgotten my way home...
Miss Ya, Love Ya Lots....Forever and A Day!!! Close
Are you here?!?!? / Someone Who Still Needs You Read >>
Are you here?!?!? / Someone Who Still Needs You
I'm amazed today. Absolutely and totally in awe. I wasn't expecting you to be here last night. I wasn't asking for you, or your help...I wasn't having a "bad" day, of course I was missing you because I always do, but I wasn't sad about it, nor was I talking to you and begging for you to come to me, and reassure me everything is alright. And yet, you were here. I have needed you so many times in the past, so much so that I wasn't sure I would make it through the day, and I never really knew you were there. But last night when things were okay, there you were!!! It was such an amazing feeling to have you here with me.
I went outside and took in the moon, not quite full, but almost. It was so cold out though, so I came in. I wanted to connect with you so badly though that I decided even though I couldn't see the moon from the living room couch, I could see the light of the moon everywhere, and that for the time being was okay with me. It would be enough to let me sit quietly and remember you once again. It would be just enough. So I moved the pillow from the corner and I sat in the corner of the couch. I stared out at the emptiness of the outside, and the beauty of the light of the moon on the snow and the tree in the front yard. I didn't feel tears in my eyes, or sadness in my heart. Instead I felt this wave of happiness gripping me tightly. It felt like you were holding me in your arms again, and a smile slowly creeped across my face. I know even typing the words I am thinking so what, you had a happy moment, but you know you were here, and so do I. My entire body felt tingly and it felt like there wasn't a care in the world because you were here to keep me safe.
It didn't last nearly long enough, but I wanted to say thank you. I needed that and I didn't even know it. That was by far the best present anyone has ever given me.
Some Songs Speak Volumes..... / .. .. (Freind)Read >>
Some Songs Speak Volumes..... / .. .. (Freind)
Seems like it was yesterday when I saw your face You told me how proud you were but I walked away If only I knew what I know today I would hold you in my arms I would take the pain away Thank you for all you've done Forgive all your mistakes There's nothing I wouldn't do To hear your voice again Sometimes I want to call you But I know you won't be there I'm sorry for blaming you For everything I just couldn't do And I've hurt myself, by hurting you. Somedays I feel broke inside but I won't admit Sometimes I just want to hide, cause it's you I miss And it's so hard to say goodbye When it comes to this Would you tell me I was wrong? Would you help me understand? Are you looking down upon me? Are you proud of who I am? There's nothing I wouldn't do To have just one more chance To look into your eyes And see you looking back I'm sorry for blaming you For everything I just couldn't do And I've hurt myself If I had just one more day I would tell you how much That I've missed you since You've been away. It's dangerous so out of line... to try and turn back time... I'm sorry for blaming you For everything I just couldn't do And I've hurt myself.. By hurting you...
Where do I Belong? / Only You Need To Know Read >>
Where do I Belong? / Only You Need To Know
I feel so out of place here, among all of these feelings that stem from something I was unaware of for so long. I am glad to see you were loved much more than you had told me, it makes the weight of guilt feel lighter somehow knowing that what I took from you was not all you had. When you called me that day, I only wish I had something more to say, something that could have changed your mind even though you sounded so sure and so at peace with your decision. I think for the sake of everyone who doesn't understand, that it's important for people to remember what grave consequences you were facing for the accident. The night it happened you told me that you wanted to end your life and your Dad and I talked you out of it then, but you said many times that you would rather die than go to jail. It's so unfortunate that I had no ay of convincing you that you could get through that and that you would be just fine. It was only a week after we parted that you left forever and I know that many people blamed me for your choice, but anyone who really knew, knew that although I wasn't in love with you the way that I needed to be, I still loved you very much, I couldn't help the bond that I had with someone else, even though I tried, but for all it's worth I am sorry for how everything went. I wish we could have been friends forever but I am glad to have known you the way I did. I think of you everyday and I miss you very much. I wish you had the chance to have a love like I do now., you really deserved it. Close
Forgetting to Breathe / Traci
Sometimes I miss you so much, I forget to breathe. And other times it hurts so much to miss you , I don't want to breathe. The breaths I take today are few, and the ones I do take hurt so much. Sometimes I want to miss you, sometimes I try not to miss you, sometimes I even force myself not to miss you, and sometimes I fake that I don't miss you... Today I can't even fake it. I MISS YOU SO MUCH TODAY!!! I always miss you, but today is exceptional for some reason. Having a day I guess. Hold me tonight okay, I need you with me. Close
I thought I would type you up a little note. I want you to know there isn't a day that goes by that I don't think of you. You are the first thing I think of each morning and the last thing on my mind each night, and yes I do still dream of you. I miss you so very very much. Nothing has been the same since you left us. Life goes on I know, and for some it went on a lot quicker than it did for others, but that doesn't mean you are ever far from our thoughts. I know you are here with us still, guiding us in all kinds of directions...some good, and some not so much. .... Either way we know you are helping us along each day. I want to say thank you for being my strength, and giving me the strength to open my eyes every morning....even if some days the sun is so blinding I just want to crawl back under the covers and never wake up. I know every time that happened I did drag my butt out of bed because you pushed me out....I appreciate that! I know sometimes when things get too much, and the memories take over you are closer than ever. I know you are here holdig my hand and gently reminding me it is okay to cry and have a bad day. And I know when something good happens out of the blue, you helped to make that happen too. You know I need you in my life still, and you are here for me. Same old Brad you always were, putting everyone else before you. So please know that although I am not here lighting a candle everyday like before, or posting something to say how much you are adored, it isn't because anything about how I feel about you has changed. It simply is that people don't think I'm crazy if I just whisper I love you on the wind. And truthfully, I prefer that because sometimes you even whisper back.
miss u man love u to bro / Jason Carrol (best broo )
hey bro i love u man i miss u alot wish u where here with us u are in my heart and always will be happy bday i wish i can make it back to spend the day with u but i did not get back there next time i will love u miss u alot jason carrol Close
Thoughts/ Melissa Watson
Lots of love and admiration for you is pouring out today. Keep each and every person who loves and misses you safe. You are all in my thoughts and prayers as you face this second anniversary. Remember one thing.....Brad would say NO REGRETS! You are greatly missed and deeply loved Brad. Close
Tributes and Condolences
.... Either way we know you are helping us along each day. I want to say thank you for being my strength, and giving me the strength to open my eyes every morning....even if some days the sun is so blinding I just want to crawl back under the covers and never wake up. I know every time that happened I did drag my butt out of bed because you pushed me out....I appreciate that! I know sometimes when things get too much, and the memories take over you are closer than ever. I know you are here holdig my hand and gently reminding me it is okay to cry and have a bad day. And I know when something good happens out of the blue, you helped to make that happen too. You know I need you in my life still, and you are here for me. Same old Brad you always were, putting everyone else before you.
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